i was listening to the across the universe soundtrack while i was doing my isu logs last night; and of course, when Jim Sturgess' velvety-smooth Girl slithered through my speakers... well, let's just say i got no work done at that time. This poem is not a response to the lyrics of Girl, although it does follow the same sort of tone/voice. A bit of a homage to the song. sort of.
you get the idea! it is a different sort of freestyle than i'm used to doing, so i hope you like it...
***
deep breath, hold still.
i can hear your footsteps;
can you hear me calling?
i'm shouting out your name toward the stars.
they don't respond;
they turn their backs and leave me choking
upon the dust that gathers in its wake;
upon the platform raised to watch me fall,
in
three
two
. . .
can't you see it's me?
i'll be your shadow,
if only you'd turn around.
i'll be the one to follow you through the darkness;
the unknown doesn't faze me
by your side.
your hand in mine, boy.
your hand in mine.
it's your turn to make a move,
to make the moment last;
this noose isn't getting any looser.
your eyes meeting mine, boy.
your eyes meeting mine.
another wave and you could disappear.
another stroke and i'll be on my knees.
and what if i surrender?
my white flag's for you.
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I love this poem. It is definitely a new style than I'm used to from you - but I love it. It has a great tone and flow. Great use of various punctuation too - it kept it interesting. I also like how you seperated ideas.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am jealous of your ability to get the spacing to work. :P
beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI loved the flow of it, and the freestyle really helped the thoughts flow and seem completely natural.
It makes me think of beat poetry... you standing in a cafe with a beret, speaking into a microphone in a jazzy voice (while snapping your fingers, of course.)
You made this poem velvety smooth, just like Jim Sturgess' voice ;P
<33 thank you!!
ReplyDeleteand haha i apologize rebecca
next time
there will be NO SPACING
just for you ;)
I loved this, it was very poetic, and rich with emotion, very well written. What I would change, is simply based upon my writing style, so take it with a grain of salt, but i would of made it more mysterious, so it was left for people to sort of figure it out on their own, if you know what i mean? Other than that, bravo!
ReplyDeleteWe all get sidetracked when we listen to Jim.
ReplyDeleteI liked this piece, i thought it was intersting.
Good use of description and imagery