Saturday, November 7, 2009

Unstable Ground

These vibrations you’re sending are shaking my frame
and I cant hold my balance – this isn’t a game.
Whenever I move objects come crashing down;
Oh god I feel fragile, please don’t make a sound
For even your breath could shatter my being
And shatter these stupid illusions I’m seeing.
I almost felt normal; I could get up and go!
But I was mistaken and crashed down below

When I’m so unstable that logic is skewed,
I make myself think that these lies are all true.
Every mistake is a criminal case.
Please don't watch my disgrace; I’m all over the place!
Watch out while you're here or you'll tumble down too,
For all that you've done some misfortune is due.
So I suggest that you run - well, walk - not too quick,
For when I am down I most certainly kick.

These vibrations you’re sending are shaking my frame
and I cant hold my balance I’m going insane
And whenever I move objects come crashing down
My world is so fragile, please don’t make a sound
For even your breath could shatter my being
I’m already broken and yes, you’re agreeing
You've come to believe that I want you no more;
The second you leave I crash to the floor.

**********
Another poem, I know, I know...
This one is about a year old, I would guesstimate.

I tried using some of this bolding and italics business to spruce it up since the poem is supposed to be very frenetic and jarring.
Like cut and paste.
Do you believe that this took away from the poem or added to it?
And any other comments on ittt? :O

diary of the dead

pull, rip, tear. pull, rip, tear.

into a million little pieces.

but it's alright, i'll take it; because until you've finished, i'll be able to please everyone. i'll live up to the expectations. after all, isn't it what i do best? i spend more hours in a day trying to impress you and to do right by you than i take to appreciate life, and to celebrate what it should feel like to be me - to be young with a world of opportunity. i forget that life isn't all about living up to or setting the standard. sure, it's gonna throw curve balls - and more often than not, i'll swing and i'll miss - but in the end, shouldn't i be enjoying it? shouldn't i be psyched up for the pitch instead of exhausting myself of energy to take it on?

pull, rip, tear. pull, rip, tear.


and i have yet to understand why i let you do it - why i let myself be pushed around. is it because i fear failure? is it all that i've known, growing up? for so long, my body's been numb to the truth. i can't feel anything but my need. and my need is your need.

you'll see that i can prove myself - that i'm all that you were hoping for;

i'll hit the notes.
i'll remember every line.
i'll run the track - and beat my time.

i'll do what i have to, until that moment when i can set myself free, and relax. when i can let myself go in a world i never got to experience.

and yet even still, there is something holding me back. and you've counted on it;

will it have all been worth it?



*not personal. i was thinking about how hard kids work to impress their parents, coaches, teachers, friends, etc. ... and how much it can really take a toll on them. it's almost a monologue.. i'm not really sure. I just had to get this done before tomorrow. :)

Regrets

A wise man once said to never regret.
Another wise man once stated that there’s a fine line between being wise, and being witty.

Amusingly or ingeniously clever in conception or execution is to be witty,
Having the ability to discern or judge what is true and right, is to be wise,
To regret is to have sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
To judge that having a sense of loss and longing for something or someone gone is something you should never have, isn’t necessarily true, or right.

A witty man once said to never regret.

People see regretting as wishing you could relive that part of your life, and fix
what you have done ‘wrong’.
In some cases that is true.
But it’s not all regretting is.
When we regret, we relive, rethink that situation, or action.

The human race has turned out to just be a giant mistake that we’re all learning from.
A mistake is an error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.
To change, is to alter the future, whether it be the near future, or distant.
It is to alter the future.
To change is alter something in the past.
To alter something in the past, to alter our future.

A wise man once stated; Good and bad comes from every situation in our lives, to every action there is a reaction.
This man was correct.

A witty man once lead his life based on this wise man’s statement.
Thought to never regret anything, because something good will come out of every situation no matter how bad it is.
What that wise man left out was that, we crave for instant gratification.
The majority of our race does what it can to benefit them now.
And we suffer the consequences down the road.

What we all forget is that the present is only here for a short period of time, and that our current state will be altered by enviable change, and our future will be altered, and that the consequences that follow better not outweigh the positive outcome, because if they do, you should regret what you’ve done, because you have made a mistake, you have used defective judgment, or been careless. You have to learn from those mistakes, to make your own change, so your own consequences can be outweighed by your positive outcome, so you can live your life, without regret, without the longing, with being assured, you did the right thing.

The future is forever coming,the present is always leaving us, and the past is no more.

We learn about the past, to fix our mistakes.
We regret our past, to fix our mistakes.

I believe, good and bad are the outcome of everything in life, you will be faced with difficult, and simple decisions, some believe that there is no such thing as a right decision.

A right decision, are the decisions made, where the positive outcomes, outweigh the negative, and only then, shall you not regret.

A man once stated:
It’s the decisions you make, when you’re pit against a wall, with no time to make them, no time to think through them, no time to understand them, which define you.

He was wise.

~~~~~~
Wrote this awhile ago.
Thoughts?Suggestions?Agree?Disagree?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

She does not have deep blue eyes.
She does not have luscious, silk hair.
She does not have a small waist.
She does not have full, red lips.
But still she is beautiful.

She does not have long, toned legs.
She does not have a clear complexion.
She does not have a pearly, white smile.
She does not have a sense of style.
But still she is pretty.

She does not have smooth, tan skin.
She does not have slender hips.
She does not have a large chest.
She does not have a flat stomach.
But still she is sexy.

She does not have a narrow nose.
She does not have straight teeth.
She does not have groomed eyebrows.
She does not have a small figure.
But still she is gorgeous.

She does not have confidence
She does not have poise.
She does not have conviction.
She does not have self-esteem.
But she does have you and I,

To tell her she is perfect,

Just the way she is.

----------------------------
This poem did not turn out the way I it wanted to, but it still has a good message behind it. The last stanza is meant to show how ridicule begins to take a toll on someone, unless someone else stands up for them. We are all fully aware of what we conceive as our own flaws, and we do not need the media, or anyone else to point them out to us. This poem is meant to tell all girls, that they do not need to fit into society's ideals in order to feel beautiful, pretty, sexy or goregeous. Everyone is perfect, just the way they are.
So what do you think? How can I improve? How can I strengthen this poem, to get the message across more powerfully?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

scrambled eggs

Have you ever come to a resounding realization. I never really have before this moment.


I NEED A PSYCHIATRIST!

I am obviously not well. I see things, I hear thing, what if I really am going insane?

My best friend passed away 3 years ago, and I still half expect her to walk through the front door-I heard someone say her name and turned to see if it was her.
This is not right - I should know better then this, I am well aware that she is gone, not coming back, dead, buried, GONE...
Why do I still feel like this is all just some sick, twisted dream, that I will wake up from.
3 years- its been 3 years , shes been gone 3 years(sobs)
what is happening to me?

Am I really losing touch?
-------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys, this is a piece I wrote about the jumbled thoughts that goes through a persons mind when they have finally come to terms with there problems.
In this case, the death of a beloved friend or family member and the idea that they will never come back, and that death is a final decision.
This person, thought that they had come to terms with the death of a sister but realized that they would never fully recover from such a tragic blow.
Its sad that this kind of thing happens, but it just shows that we can never really know for sure how fare any incident is going to effect our lives and that the human mind is a very fragile thing that can easily be destroyed.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Breakfast for no one in the room

The Breakfast Club. A movie about students stuck in detention that learn that they can break social boundaries. Jocks can date basket cases, princesses sleep with rebels and chill with nerds.

I love this movie, and as much as I admire the message behind it, this situation would never happen now. There was a slight possibility of it happening in the 1980's when the movie was made, but following the invention of cell phones this would never happen.
In a world where phones have become mini-computers and you can text or facebook your friends that are 10km away or 10 feet away the chances of a repeat of the Breakfast Club is extremely unlikely.

Now, we choose to talk to our friends that are at home, then speak to the person beside us. We text in class, facebook on spare, e-mail or homework instead of actually talking to or project partner. We are all guilty of this and yet we can't stop. Our society is completely dependent on technology.

In the movie, the students had no choice but to talk to one another, today we no longer bound by these restrictions. We are so free to do what we want that these old movies have become almost irrelevant. They are so fare behind technology that they don't relate to the average persons life.

I hope that great works of art such as the Great Gatsby, Breakfast Club, and Mice and Men never loose there charms, but the luster in starting to wear thin when a person compares it to there iPhone.

'I still believe - in spite of everything - that people are really good at heart'




Do you recognize either of these individuals?

How about this young girl?

Her name is Anne Frank.
This vibrant, young, aspiring journalist died at the hands of the Nazi's, along with millions of other Jewish people.

Sinclair Theatre is putting on a production of Anne Frank. Many people from this class are involved in this production, including myself, Maddie, Diana, James and Tamara. What scary about doing this show is that we aren't just portraying characters - We're portraying real life people. As a matter of fact, one of the characters 'Miep' is still alive today at the ripe age of 100.
I wonder what she would think if she watched our production?
Have we even come close? Could we even begin to understand what their life was like?
We have to try to represent people who dealt with two years of extroardinary suffering in a very small attic, and then died in the concentration camps.
There is always a bit of worry that we aren't doing our characters justice; we aren't paying proper respect, because it's so easy to forget the reality of the situation and play these people as if they're nothing more than story book characters.
I do believe, however, that as long as we remember that this is a true story, we're respecting the Franks, the Van Pels and Fritz Pfeffer. We're telling their story, showing the struggle they went through.
We're keeping their legend alive.
Their example (through this play) has stood as a testament to their resilience, the injustice they suffered and the extroardinary goodness of individuals like Miep and Mr Kraler who put their own lives at stake to save others.

So as we're moving into tech week and pulling our show together, getting it ready for you all to watch, I hope we do a sufficient job of telling their story.
I hope it would pass Anne's approval.

Monday, November 2, 2009

It has all happened so fast

It has all happened so fast. Our high school career is already coming to a close. Those four years just flew by. Those times were fun, stressful, dramatic and memorable. But now we're in our final year, and quite frankly, I'm overwhelmed.

I feel as though I'm a child; cowering in the corner at big, scary words like
University,
College,
scholarships
and tuition.

Where did those four years go? I started high school knowing that post-secondary wasn't far off, but I didn't think much about it. And I put all thoughts of it out of my head year after year, until BAM! It hit me right in the face.

It now seems as though everything is flying at me at once. Many of my assignments are due in the next few weeks. And the rest of the semester consists of tests, midterms, scholarship applications, presentations, extra-curriculars, work, choosing where exactly I want to go next year, and finally applying. The next few months are going to be stressful.

Goodbye sleep.

Goodbye social life.

Reality has kicked in. And it's in full gear.

Everything is being crammed down our throats at once. And if one more person asks 'where are you going next year?' I'm going to scream.

Because I'm not sure. Yet.

I did not know that you had to have your life planned out the moment you hit grade 12. What I need is time to figure out what I want. It is going to take some time for me to find the perfect post-secondary school for me. To figure out what career I want, and the courses that support it. And I have to do this while balancing everything else. So give me some time. I will eventually find my way. Until then...

I cannot wait until this semester is over.

-----------------
Even after just looking back and reading this, I'm surprised I haven't suffered any mental break downs. The work load and stress of next year is hard, but somehow I'm managing.
So what are your thoughts? Do you feel the same way?

I am Uninspired

uhm. poem. not very good. bahhh.

I am uninspired;
I won't try to pretend
that what I've got to say
should be paired with a pen.

I am uninspired;
I cannot go on
with the blank page that haunts me
from dusk until dawn.

I am uninspired;
my secret is out!
I'll sit, instead, brooding -
I'll sit and i'll pout.

My shoelaces are tangled,
my tie doesn't match,
I'd rather play dress up
and don an eyepatch.

My fingers are twitching,
I'm losing my sight;
I cannot discern
between left and right!

My soul, it is gone,
and my mind's taken leave;
the dull haunting I suffer
cannot be conceived...

I am uninspired,
though I tell you, I fought!
alas, now, I'm alone
without one, single thought.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The cool breeze gently rustled through her hair, and her wet clothes, awakening her from her sleep. Her heart skipped a beat, as she sat up abruptly, wondering where she was. She looked out across the ocean, the waves crashing in softly, and at the moonlight glittering through the water. She only had a few moments to enjoy that beautiful scene, before the chill, the biting cold, of that night had sunk into her. She shivered, clenching her arms tightly around herself. She thought back to what had happened, that led her to be here. It took a few moments before the memories started flooding into her head. She recalled the burning, she recalled the cloaked figures. The image in her mind of a little boy being trampled by a horse sent a fierce shiver down her spine, that even this cold could not do. She jumped up to her feet, now realizing the urgency of this situation. It seemed to be such a peaceful night. No one would have imagined that on this very night hundreds of innocent people were mercilessly slaughtered. How had she gotten away? She tried to remember. All she could remember was the flames, and thinking ‘just keep running, just keep running…’ everything had happened so fast, only her instincts kept her going, before she collapsed down beside the ocean. She got up and crept back quietly, in the direction of her village, hoping for the best. She searched for the top of that old red barn that always marked the village to anyone along the oceanfront. She couldn’t see it. Her heart was pounding faster as she picked up her pace, all of her false hopes washing away before her eyes. She approached warily, and the sight was even more then her mind could have ever fathomed. It was a gruesome bloodbath. Every house was burnt to the ground, except for the one or two that survived the fire, but were still charred from the blaze. She started sobbing as she headed into the town, throwing any precaution she had aside, as she saw dead bodies of relatives and neighbors. She recognized one of her old friends who she had known from childhood. They always used to play together, frivolous games like dress up, and imagining that they both ruled the town. This same woman now lay dead upon the ground, dagger wounds all throughout her body. She knew she couldn’t go any further. She just couldn’t bear to see anymore. She didn’t want to see what had happened to her family, her house. So the woman dropped to the ground and cried. She cried until her sobs became hysterical, contorted gasps for air. She called for help, throwing caution to the wind and called for her family. She looked up and saw a figure came out from one of the burnt houses, and held its hand out to her.

This is unedited and should probably be broken into multiple paragraphs.
Suggestions?

Youtube.

5 years ago I started making videos. I made these awful videos that were painful to watch with a few of my friends. I was in love with the art of making videos despite the fact I was butchering it. I began uploading them to google video, then you tube came around and i instantly jumped on that.

I became obsessed with you tube, I watched videos all day long and late into the night. I couldn’t help myself, I was like a heroine addict, it was ridiculous. I would make videos like crazy, and consistently did this for the next 3 years. I had made over 100 videos over that time period, had over 70,000 video views, over 100 subscribers and made many new friends. It was an amazing hobby and lead to many opportunities. I got the chance to go Toronto and be a special guest on a live show with Chris Leavins’, an LA comedian who came to Toronto. I watched Four Eyed Monsters, which is one of the most influential things I have ever experienced, and I am not lying at all when I say that. It provided me with something to do, something to look forward to and I was in love with Youtube. However, I always wanted to gain fame on Youtube, I never broke into internet fame, and it was always my dream to. I always dreamed of being featured on the front page or becoming a partner. I eventually gave up and stopped making videos for Youtube, but rather for myself, and to further my video making skills.

I ended up retiring my old account, and moved on from that. Youtube became something I would enjoy from time to time as opposed to the daily occurrence it once was. From time to time, I would check up on my old account and I noticed the traffic on the account didn’t dwindle, but instead remained consistent.

Today, bored and feeling nostalgic, I logged in to be welcomed with a request that surprised me beyond belief. Youtube had essentially invited me to be a partner on the site. So, 5 years after starting, 2 years after my last video on that account, I finally fulfilled my dream. I can’t get passed how satisfying and how just straight up cool this is. Forgive me, I am a nerd.

No Purpose

No purpose.
All I wished is a long process of depression,
heart threatening and insane.
Tears, tears, my fragile body can't express this pain.

I look at this food; the face of evil, so tempting.
But I allow myself to starve i.e. self relieving.
Because, yes, it feels so pleasing.

It's so sad it hurts so much but I can't get out.
I call your name, I scream and shout,
wrap your arms around me, around all that's left.
I'm sorry this is happening, I know it's such a mess.

Sit up, after sit up, run after run,
because I feel the need to.
I break down mentally, and collapse physically.
Death row is a border line.
The price I pay for what I want to be.

Food-I don't touch, I waste myself away.
Your all going to have to watch.
Because yes you should pay.
It's your turn to cry for me.

Fear the smell of food when near.
Don't breathe the vile calorie packed tracks in
my mind deprived it's you I'm needing.
This self hatred is a hunger, one that I am feeding.

Isomnia, this barely breathing body is awake.
Researching every detail to every food.
Untill my eyes close and the my life is at stake.
The enemy appears in my dreams.

Deck of Cards

You are like a
Deck of carrds
Two cards are never the same
Shuffling emotions
Dealing Arguments
Playing game's with people's hearts
Giving up one hand
To take another
Full house of friends
You couldn't deal
You fluch away all emotions
And tank out
But when it's all over
Who's left going fishing?
Now your left with one card
UNO is what you say
But then that card is multiplied
Now you have too many to count
Spades is a game of wits
So either you have a good hand
Or a good partner
But can you deal in the game of blackjack
Put all that's worthy of love on the line
Is your love
Worthy to be dealt
That's for me to decide
When I put my cards on the table
In the end...

Everything is funnier at 1 am

So after a long, boring and tiring day of making pizza at work , i got home and proceeded to sit at my computer to write a blog or two, but i find myself spending more time watching Monty Python Videos on YouTube.

For those who do not know the Pythons (shame on you) they are a comedy troop from England that reached international success with there movies the Holy Grail, Life of Brian, and the Meaning of Life and hit television show Flying Circus in the mid 70's. They were the first comedians to reach a rock star status and to
Everything is funnier at 1 in the morning, and the Pythons are no exception, there side splitting comedy is a mixture of ridiculousness and classic British humor.
Scenes such as, wall graffiti from the Life of Brian when Roman soldiers catching Brian writing Latin treats incorrectly on the walls of there fortress. Instead of killing him, they make him correct his grammar and write it a 100 times on the walls. These classic scenes are all bases on traditional disciplinary actions that teachers forced upon there students, but the sheer ridiculousness of the situation makes unbelievable funny.
In my opinion, The holy grail is the best Monty Python movie, following king Arther's quest to find the holy grail. Its filled will ridiculous situations and dialogue that has me laughing for 1 1/2 hours straight.

No matter what, the Pythons are hilarious in every sketch they do, 40 years after they began the sketches are still funny and the jokes are timeless.