Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.
She does not have deep blue eyes.
She does not have luscious, silk hair.
She does not have a small waist.
She does not have full, red lips.
But still she is beautiful.
She does not have long, toned legs.
She does not have a clear complexion.
She does not have a pearly, white smile.
She does not have a sense of style.
But still she is pretty.
She does not have smooth, tan skin.
She does not have slender hips.
She does not have a large chest.
She does not have a flat stomach.
But still she is sexy.
She does not have a narrow nose.
She does not have straight teeth.
She does not have groomed eyebrows.
She does not have a small figure.
But still she is gorgeous.
She does not have confidence
She does not have poise.
She does not have conviction.
She does not have self-esteem.
But she does have you and I,
To tell her she is perfect,
Just the way she is.
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This poem did not turn out the way I it wanted to, but it still has a good message behind it. The last stanza is meant to show how ridicule begins to take a toll on someone, unless someone else stands up for them. We are all fully aware of what we conceive as our own flaws, and we do not need the media, or anyone else to point them out to us. This poem is meant to tell all girls, that they do not need to fit into society's ideals in order to feel beautiful, pretty, sexy or goregeous. Everyone is perfect, just the way they are.
So what do you think? How can I improve? How can I strengthen this poem, to get the message across more powerfully?
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I do like the concept for sure, but I think that the repetition in 'she doesn't have' over and over takes away from the repetition of the 'but still she is beautiful. but still she is sexy.'
ReplyDeleteSo I would maybe write it as;
She does not have deep blue eyes.
luscious, silk hair,
a small waist,
or full, red lips.
But still she is beautiful.
I also think maybe I would take out the fourth stanza 'She does not have a narrow nose.
She does not have straight teeth.
She does not have groomed eyebrows.
She does not have a small figure.
But still she is gorgeous.' as it kinda seems like it's dragging on by that point, and I dont think that this stanza really provides anything new.
I do really like the idea behind this though, and I think with a little work it could be a nice poem.
DHALL brought up the point that it would actually be really cool if you flipped it and wrote about a girl who HAS all these things...
But how shes actually not beautiful at all. :O
^so, jordan kind took all of my points.. sorry for repeating!
ReplyDeletei really love this idea! i think i would like the phrasing a lot more if the poem was shorter.. i kind of feel that it went on for too long in that style. maybe you could change it up after 2 or 3 stanzas? i dont know. I felt my attention slipping, even though I really think you've captured something unique here.
the tone was what stood out to me in this piece.
and i really liked how you separated the last few lines. it gave the words greater impact, for sure!
Ah I love your repetition, the overall theme of this is excellent. Despite missing your intended message, overall this is still an excellent poem that really conveys a good message. I think to make it achieve your intended theme, i'd change the structure, as opposed to saying "she does not" maybe put " They think she"
ReplyDeleteI think that you aproached this topic in very powerful way.
ReplyDeleteoften to much repitionion can get boring and mundain, but you used it very well and kept the readers attention.
what is the last lines said- she does not ahve you or i to tell her she is perfect but she does not need us to becase she already knows it.
just a suggestion