I'm a man, I'm not a child" - U2 "Kite"
* * *
It's okay to let go of my hand now,
I've made it across the road.
You don't have to worry;
Anymore.
I promise I will be fine;
For I have forged my own path;
and if I stray off the beaten trail,
I know I'll always find my way.
Back to you.
For I have forged my own path;
and if I stray off the beaten trail,
I know I'll always find my way.
Back to you.
Back to all you have taught me,
to all your understanding
and acceptance.
But if I don't come home
-at least for a while-
please do not fret.
to all your understanding
and acceptance.
But if I don't come home
-at least for a while-
please do not fret.
It is not that I no longer need you,
or that your guidance goes unnoticed.
I just no longer need
your hand clamped onto mine.
What I need now is your trust;
That the mistakes I make,
are not yours to fix.
or that your guidance goes unnoticed.
I just no longer need
your hand clamped onto mine.
What I need now is your trust;
That the mistakes I make,
are not yours to fix.
Because from these mistakes,
I will learn!
Just trust in my judgement.
And someday I will return;
when I cannot replace your advice;
when your guidance becomes a memory;
I will return.
And then may you
hold
my
hand.
I will learn!
Just trust in my judgement.
And someday I will return;
when I cannot replace your advice;
when your guidance becomes a memory;
I will return.
And then may you
hold
my
hand.
* * *
I hope as a group of teenagers venturing off into the unknown next year, that you will be able to relate to this poem. It is written in the perspective of someone that has a doting parent that is afraid to let their child leave home.
Any criticisms you have about flow, tone etc. would be appreciated. And do you think I should create a rhyme scheme? Let me know! :)
what a nice concept taken from a great set of lyrics! I liked this poem without rhyme. it makes it more versatile, i think; to be applied in different but similar situations... which is a great strength of this piece!
ReplyDeletei love how you emphasized certain lines/words by making a few of the 'last' lines shorter and stronger! good job!
i know you were having some troubles with spacing (so i dont know if you tried to do this already), but i was thinking maybe you could separate your non-rhyming poem into a few stanzas, with some separate lines / couplets: (lines like "I just no longer need /
your hand clamped onto mine" would be even more effective on its own!)
and i wonder if it would change the total idea you had (if so, then you can simply ignore this!) but instead of saying "And then may you
hold my hand" you could turn it around and say something like "and then I will take your hand in mine." kind of like reversed roles, or a sense of maturity. just a suggestion!
i liked reading this piece! simple, enjoyable and relatable. :)
great advice. thanks Diana
ReplyDeleteit was originally seperate stanzas, but i couldn't get it to work.
Ah, that was very warm, i loved it. I don't have much criticism, maybe try to take out some words that make some of your lines bulky, sometimes repetition in words is good, but if you are unintentionally repeating things you can use the right punctuation to eliminate the use of the same word twice.
ReplyDeletethis is a cute piece.
ReplyDeletei think you had good flow and consistency, as well rhythem.
to be honest i can't think of anything wrong with this piece, excellent job