attempt numero uno:
The world is a blanket,
The roads and streetlights, manicured lawns –
The blades of grass, and dew and raindrops –
Threads that remain undiscovered;
twiddling thumbs can’t wait forever.
A rush of wind, streetcar passers-by,
Beneath the lifelike machinery, twinkling.
Blinking heartbeat, weave in and out of the city
Past reflective walls, mirrors to the soul -
Pathways to no way home.
How the heart does ache!
(its elegance tempered by pain);
Breath turns cold
(oh, but you want it to);
the sidewalk cracks
(don’t fall…)
don't surrender to dust and ashes, nor
fall prey to the 'what could have been's.
because freedom,
Well,
It can call, and it does
It can speak, dream, (dis or) satisfy –
And yet you enclose yourself,
Flee within yourself,
Close your eyes
And hold your breath...
Hiding beneath the folds.
Your casket is waiting.
***
So this is something i've never really done before - and i'm as mesmerized by it as i am uncertain. I feel like the theme needs to be more clear (which i will revise if i end up trying to hand this in for the protfolio.. but i still have three other poems to write! :P). maybe the subject matter is too vague as well?
if you have any suggestions about where to be more clear or where i could change punctuation (which i played around with a lot) that would be great!
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I really like how you played around with the punctuation it makes it interesting to read.
ReplyDeleteThis poem definitely has a free form style that is very interesting.
I had some difficulty understanding the theme. But thats okay because poetry isn't always meant to be clear. So in that sense, you don't need to revise it.
i thought this was a wonderful piece
ReplyDeleteyou used alot of cool imagery and description
im just curious as to what you inspiration for this piece was
I felt that this was a really strong poem, your mechanics are really strong, and I think thats why I like it so much it has a really authentic feel to it.
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