Alright, so here is my problem with my ode!
I really like the first stanza and the second stanza... but the 3rd is just complete shit.
How can I change it up to make the third... better? I just need a stronger ending that sounds less forced (IN PARTICULAR the last 2 lines are dreadful!!!)
so I figured I'd turn to you guys for help!
Here is my ode:
Locked inside the human heart; it’s there,
In the darkness seeds of evil lie;
Sinful; Vain, Sloth, Envy, Avarice
Wrath, Lust, Gluttony implant
The desire of a beauty fair
Contempt oozing from each tired sigh
Desiring to abolish peace
Captured in each lingering glance
Envy fuels a motivation strong
Lust invokes a passion burning bright
Wrath a viewpoint reinforces well
Sloth it’s entertainment full adores
Vain; respect and beauty come along
Gluttony indulges in delights
Avarice success’s, they do swell
Intriguing, even if some do abhor
Enrapturing, these tools are nestled deep
If mastered, advantageous they can be
The greed, sloth, envy, vanity
The lazy, gluttonous and mad
This corruption dost our lives keep
Sinful people rule the world, you see
The darker side of humanity
can do you good, if you do some bad.
________________________________
So can you guys help me with the ending?
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I like how you ended it! I really don't see the problem with it. What exactly did you want to fix about it, because I thought it was great?
ReplyDeleteyou really have a passion for this subject matter.
ReplyDeletei like this piece as well, excellent description and imagery.
i with rebecca and would like to know what specifically do you want the last lines to be about, if you do decide to change them?
Your first two stanzas are excellent great, what you should do, is complete rewrite your last stanza if you're unhappy with it. Read over your first two stanzas, and then just go with that flow and rewrite your last stanza with intent to conclude if you get what I'm saying.
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