This post is going to be about poetry I've written. I wrote a lot of poetry from 2002 - 2006, this was before I realized my passion for music and switched most of my creative writing to lyrical writing. The poems I am going to show you are all from in that time period. Keep in mind that as a preteen / early teen I was a typical angst-ridden, angry, self-loathing, closet case. Most of my writing was whiny drivel about how 'no one truly understands me!!!' so I picked out 4 of the pieces I thought had the most potential and I want to see what you guys have to say about them...
Midnight Flight
Midnight Flight
As midnight stars rise
And the moon cloaks the sleeping city in silver
I spread my wings and fly;
Keeping to the shadows, hiding from the prying fingers of light
Feeling so alone
While searching for something
So long I have flown
I can't help but feel like this is all empty
As I soar high, above it all
Trying to find something that isn't there...
I'm afraid I might fall
Because these dreams won't hold me up for much longer...
----------------------
So this piece is definitely one of my favourites that I wrote when I was younger. It's one of the first pieces I wrote and actually kept. You can still see the preteen angst in there, although I have reworked this one from the original version, which was more about 'THRIVING OFF OF THE DARKNESS' 'MY SOUL IS BLACK LIKE THE NIGHT SKY' etc. etc...
Regardless, do you think the imagery is effective?
I really like the 'cloaks the sleeping city in silver' line.
And I'm unsure if I like the ending, or if it's too cheesy... what do you think?
OKAY, poem number 2...
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And the moon cloaks the sleeping city in silver
I spread my wings and fly;
Keeping to the shadows, hiding from the prying fingers of light
Feeling so alone
While searching for something
So long I have flown
I can't help but feel like this is all empty
As I soar high, above it all
Trying to find something that isn't there...
I'm afraid I might fall
Because these dreams won't hold me up for much longer...
----------------------
So this piece is definitely one of my favourites that I wrote when I was younger. It's one of the first pieces I wrote and actually kept. You can still see the preteen angst in there, although I have reworked this one from the original version, which was more about 'THRIVING OFF OF THE DARKNESS' 'MY SOUL IS BLACK LIKE THE NIGHT SKY' etc. etc...
Regardless, do you think the imagery is effective?
I really like the 'cloaks the sleeping city in silver' line.
And I'm unsure if I like the ending, or if it's too cheesy... what do you think?
OKAY, poem number 2...
-----------------
Angel No More
An angel in a gown
An angel with no wings
An angel falling down
Into a clover ring
A voice calls out quite loud;
Your memory has faded
But you can't just give up now
Although your vision's jaded...
I know you hurt; you've lost it all...
But at least you have a new beginning...
---------------
One thing I notice in all my writing is my love of the semi-colon and of the ellipsis.
Do I overuse it?
I'm worried the ellipses might be too over dramatic and exaggerated...
Poem number 3;
An angel in a gown
An angel with no wings
An angel falling down
Into a clover ring
A voice calls out quite loud;
Your memory has faded
But you can't just give up now
Although your vision's jaded...
I know you hurt; you've lost it all...
But at least you have a new beginning...
---------------
One thing I notice in all my writing is my love of the semi-colon and of the ellipsis.
Do I overuse it?
I'm worried the ellipses might be too over dramatic and exaggerated...
Poem number 3;
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Dinnertime Conversation
Dinnertime Conversation
We sit in peaceful luxury
Eat lunch with family, sons and daughters
And while we do we watch TV
Displaying scenes of slaughter.
What can we do to fix the fact?
What can we do to change it?
It doesn't affect us anyway;
Eat lunch with family, sons and daughters
And while we do we watch TV
Displaying scenes of slaughter.
What can we do to fix the fact?
What can we do to change it?
It doesn't affect us anyway;
The message doesn't transmit
The government also watches...
They're doing all they can
Please, disregard the fact
That they haven't even began...
Please, disregard the fact
That they haven't even began...
... they have a very short attention span...
So who's taking care of them?
I'm sure someone must be
Let's just push it o the back of our minds
I'm sure everyone can agree;
...we're models of congeniality...
...past our own front doors we just can't see...
-----------------
So this one was actually written in grade 10 for my ISU which was a song and poetry CD, and it was based around the Rwandan Genocide, although it is applicable to really any major world issue that doesn't seem to be getting enough attention.
It was inspired by the sarcastic manner of T.S. Eliot in his poems like 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'
Do you think the italicizing of certain phrases and words to emphasize them is effective?
How do you think I can reword the last stanza? It doesn't flow as nicely as I would like it to...
My FINAL poem...
----------------
Time it moves, but I stay still
Without a care, without a will
I tell a story with frozen lips
So who's taking care of them?
I'm sure someone must be
Let's just push it o the back of our minds
I'm sure everyone can agree;
...we're models of congeniality...
...past our own front doors we just can't see...
-----------------
So this one was actually written in grade 10 for my ISU which was a song and poetry CD, and it was based around the Rwandan Genocide, although it is applicable to really any major world issue that doesn't seem to be getting enough attention.
It was inspired by the sarcastic manner of T.S. Eliot in his poems like 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'
Do you think the italicizing of certain phrases and words to emphasize them is effective?
How do you think I can reword the last stanza? It doesn't flow as nicely as I would like it to...
My FINAL poem...
----------------
Time it moves, but I stay still
Without a care, without a will
I tell a story with frozen lips
Unseeing eyes see every dip
I can feel the warmth of every light
My heart it swoons with all the sights
Sometimes I move, I sing and shout
I laugh and smile and move about
The only time that this can be
Is in your dreams and memories
Think of me from time to time
So I can come to life within your mind...
---------------
So I didn't provide the title for this one as I want you to guess what it is about... the title would give it away...
So which of these is your favourite? your least favourite?
If you have any suggestions or criticisms, please tell me as I would definitely like to know how to improve these.
:)
I can feel the warmth of every light
My heart it swoons with all the sights
Sometimes I move, I sing and shout
I laugh and smile and move about
The only time that this can be
Is in your dreams and memories
Think of me from time to time
So I can come to life within your mind...
---------------
So I didn't provide the title for this one as I want you to guess what it is about... the title would give it away...
So which of these is your favourite? your least favourite?
If you have any suggestions or criticisms, please tell me as I would definitely like to know how to improve these.
:)
-J.PIKE
I could write a novel here, but I`d rather not waste your time. What I will do is say, you`re very talented, and it was a pleasure reading these. Angel No More was my favourite, I hope you've kept up writing poetry because it would be a waste if you didn't.
ReplyDeleteAlso, great topic for feedback.
wow, these are some great pieces! I love that you had a lot of great description and a couple great metaphors in there but it did not take away from the flow, it was still light to read but contained a deeper message.
ReplyDeleteThese were some great pieces! The only thing I would have recommended would be to not post them all at once, so i could have appreciated them all individually.
ReplyDeleteAnd only because you mentioned it, I did notice the overuse of elipses.
I don't think I have a least favourite, but my favourite may be the last one, but I have no idea for the title. I also love the line "the moon cloaks the sleeping city in silver," this line as well as many others create beautiful imagery.
And I agree with Van, I hope you continued to write poetry.
I like the format of this post. A neat way of comparing pieces. Which is YOUR favourite?
ReplyDelete