Narrative Poem

So I've found that I really appreciate and consider good constructive criticism. Therefore, I decided I would again post some work from writer's craft to help make any necessary improvements.


And, my apologies to Diana, as you've already read this one.


After you read it, I would appreciate it if you helped me with certain things. Such as what the title should be. I would also like suggestions on further developing the narrative moment; did I use enough description? How can I make the narrator more unreliable? Should each line begin with a capital? And what did you think of the rhyme scheme, flow, tone, punctuation etc. And of course any other ideas/criticisms you may have.


This is my narrative poem:



Untitled II


My love please don't leave me.
Your face was all I could see:
Your ocean-blue eyes and curly brown locks;
But now you face is one that mocks.


So here we stand upon my concrete porch.
You say your goodbyes, as you extinguish our torch.
Your words are empty- you don't even cry.
You don't even give me an answer to 'why?'


The cold sky is grey, as it weeps with me.
I turn to my door; fit the lock with its key.
The door swings open - but I don't step inside,
For I look back at the scene of where our love died:


The street is empty; no one walks by,
And you're standing too close, trying to keep dry.
The rain beats down like a steady drum.
The cold I endure - but your words leave me numb.


The leaves are red - like my eyes,
And with me, the wind heavily sighs.
I look away at the scene and back at you,
But you look down, unsure what to do.


You give a shrug; there's nothing left to say -
And with a fleeting glance, you're on your way.
You brace yourself then stumble into the rain.
I watch your receding figure as I wait for the pain...


It's with a heavy heart I finally see,
I am glad my love left me.





So this poem is longer than 20 lines. But I thought that was necessary to try and add more detail to the scene. I also tried to use imagery, and make the scene vivid. Thank you for taking the time to read, and I appreciate all your help!



Rebecca