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So I decided after righting my medias res story, I could really use some advice on it. I like the concept, and some specific lines I used, but there is something that I feel was missing. I'll have to admit it was hard for me to write a short story as I always get caught up and practically turn it into a novel (and I did exceed the 600 word limit). So for this piece I would like you to again comment on my use of dialogue and the structure. I also have the tendency to jump back and forth between tenses, so let me know if it flowed nicely. Also, because I felt I had to make it short, I am concerned that I may have left out crucial details and some necessary imagery, so let me know if it is clear. Let me know any of your likes and dislikes, and I'll take everything into consideration. Lastly, I would like to give this story a title, so if you have any suggestions, that would be great! Enjoy.



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By: Rebecca Mossman

Silence now rang in my ears. It was a deafening silence, one that could only be caused by the stark contrast of the gunshot blast only seconds ago and the utter stillness now. I stood shaking; wide eyes staring in horror at the blood pouring out of the bullet hole. I felt nauseous – the bile was rising in my throat. My legs gave out and I crumpled to the floor. Desperate sobs heaved from my chest as I crawled toward his motionless body...


* * *


"My God, can you believe this?" I was sitting with my boyfriend, Kyle, as we watched the 6 o’clock news. I turned to look at him, to see if he was as horrified as I was but he seemed to be staring mindlessly into space. "Kyle," I accused, "are you paying any attention?" He looked up at the sound of my voice.


"I’m sorry, what?" he asked, but I could tell that he wasn’t interested. I rolled my eyes at his ability to completely tone out the world around him.


"The news," I said, "it’s about a homicide that took place only two blocks from here. I don’t even know if I feel safe here anymore." I shook my head in disgust. I looked over at Kyle but he still seemed indifferent. "What’s gotten into you lately?" I demanded.


"Hmm? Oh. Nothing." He quickly looked away from me and went back to concentrating on the empty space in front of him. I shrugged off his flimsy answer and returned to my fascination with the news story.


"They believe it was gang-related," I mused aloud.


"It wasn’t," he mumbled, just loud enough for me to hear. I turned to look at him suspiciously.


"What’s that supposed to mean?"


"It doesn’t mean anything," he snapped, "I just happen to know that it was not gang related." With that, he gets up and starts to leave the room, but I follow him and grab his arm, stopping him in his tracks. He spins around and confronts me with a maddened look in his eyes. I stared back, unflinching into his deep, emerald eyes. I knew he was hiding something. I lowered my voice so that I wouldn’t sound so accusing:


"You know you can tell me anything, right?" We stood very still for a moment, simply staring at each other. I could tell he was troubled. Then he suddenly had me in his arms. He caved in; he started ranting about his friend Stefan and how he ran into him last night. He saw Stefan threatening another man. He was going to intervene when Stefan pulled a gun on the poor man. Kyle fled at the sight of the gun, only to hear shots fired. He kept running, and did not know the outcome until he heard it on the news just now.


"I’m such a coward," he sobbed heavily, "if only I had stepped in, maybe – "


"Stop." I cut him off before he could finish. "This is in no way your fault. You cannot blame yourself for what happened. It was instinct to run away; anyone would have done the same thing. Frankly, I’m glad you did because who knows what would have happened?" He looked at me, calmed by my words. We stood there in silence for a few moments, and then I spoke again: "you can make this right. Go to the police. Tell them what you saw." Kyle nodded absent-mindedly. We fell silent again. I was about to walk away to give him a chance at being alone, when he suddenly blurted:


"He saw me. He came to me today and told me that if I told the police, he would kill me," his voice cracked. His eyes flooded again, and pierced me with a plea for help. I sank helplessly into a nearby armchair.


"We have to do something," I whispered.


"There is no ‘we’," he said, suddenly angry, "stay out of this." He turned around and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.


* * *


After an hour, I started to get concerned. I didn’t like not knowing where he went, especially when he was so distraught. I picked up the phone and called him on his cell. He picked up after one ring. "I made up my mind," he said firmly, "I can make this right. I’m going to confront Stefan." I tried to intervene, but he continued, "I am not a coward. I can convince him to turn himself in." The phone went dead. I tried redialing but it went straight to voicemail.


"Shit," I muttered to myself as I ran toward the door. How could he be so naive to think that he could confront Stefan? I got into the car and started to drive as fast as I could.


I had been to Stefan’s house before. He and Kyle used to be pretty good friends. But about a year ago, they had a falling out. Stefan started abusing drugs, and had a series of offences that resulted in his fair share of nights in jail. I shuddered at the thought of them ever being friends.


It only took a few minutes to get to his house at the speed I took. I pulled into the driveway, and flew out of my car. I noted Kyle’s car, poorly parked on the side of the road as I darted up the steps toward the front door. It stood ajar. I could hear angry shouts from within. I rushed through the door in time to see Stefan pointing a gun in Kyle’s direction.

"Leave," Stefan was demanding, unaware of my presence. "Turn around right now. If I never see or hear of you again, I’ll let you live. Now leave," he spat the words out aggressively. He looked like a mad man; his once handsome features were distorted with rage. Kyle slowly raised his arms in surrender and started backing toward where I was standing. Stefan began lowering the gun in satisfaction. Kyle turned around and saw me, standing terrified. The sight of me in harm’s way seemed to inspire a menace. He turned back toward Stefan abruptly, and bolted toward him: tackling him to the ground. The gun skidded along the floor, and stopped in front of me. They fought violently. I watched in horror, feeling pathetic and helpless. Stefan’s hands ended clamped around Kyle’s neck.


"Oh my God! Stop it! You’re killing him!" I shrieked as Kyle’s face began to turn red. He was struggling to force him off but Stefan wouldn’t budge. I ran toward the battling pair, and unsuccessfully tried to pull Stefan away. I decided in that instant to grab the gun in vain hope of threatening Stefan. The cold metal felt heavy and awkward in my hands. My hands were shaking uncontrollably…

Then the gun went off.


It was all a blur. Stefan moved aside, revealing a large blood stain, slowly spreading across Kyle’s shirt. Stefan stumbled backward, staring back and forth between me holding the smoking gun and my victim, now lying in pain on the floor. With one last fleeting glance, he darted out the door.

Silence now rang in my ears. It was a deafening silence, one that could only be caused by the stark contrast of the gunshot blast only seconds ago and the utter stillness now. I stood shaking; wide eyes staring in horror at the blood pouring out of the bullet hole. I felt nauseous – the bile was rising in my throat. My legs gave out and I crumpled to the floor. Desperate sobs heaved from my chest as I crawled toward his motionless body. Kyle stared back at me with large, terrified eyes. "It’s going to be okay," I whispered as a sob broke through my lips. I leaned over and began to put pressure on his gaping wound. "I’m here for you." I squeezed his hand, as his emerald eyes held onto mine...





So there you have it.

I decided to leave it in a cliffhanger, to allow the reader to make their own assumptions. (And because I was far over the word limit :P) So thanks for taking the time to read, and I really appreciate any criticism you give me.