For me…
would you hold on?
Even if it's just a second longer,
Because that one second,
Can make us stronger.
If darkness sets in,
And you lose your faith.
If your heart wears thin,
Just know I'm here for you.
Please keep pushing on,
Until the very end,
Because together, I know,
We can make it around the bend.
No matter what; I’ll be there.
I will be your shoulder to cry on,
Your soldier, your rock.
I’ll stay until the pain is gone.
And when your eyes grow tired,
With the endless tears you cried,
I will comfort you; be all you desired.
But please, would you hold on
…to me.
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I found this poem in an old journal... I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think it is lacking a central theme because the stanzas could be linked better. And I think it could possibly use a stronger ending. I made a few changes, but it still sounds wordy and I'm not sure the punctuation is correct. Either way, I like the concept. So what do you think? Likes/dislikes? Areas for improvement?
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aww i really like this concept. maybe try to emphasize the narrator's need (versus the 'other' in need of support), or drop more recognizable hints?
ReplyDeletei feel as though the word 'you' is used too many times in this stanza and takes away from the message that you as a writer place so much importance on. also, each time you end a line, it doesn't have to end with a comma if the thought isn't complete! you dont have to break it up necessarily - it affects the flow. so in short i guess i am agreeing with you about the questionable punctuation.. :P
i do love this line:
"I will be your shoulder to cry on,
Your soldier, your rock."
I think you have a good poem here, but I think you can make it a great one by tweaking it a bit. If you tried playing around some words, and punctuation, put some in, take some out, i think you could find yourself with an excellent poem.
ReplyDeletecool concept, i have to agree with van about playing with th wording a little. all in all a good poem, good description, very effective.
ReplyDeleteWhen did you write this?
A couple of the rhymes seem a little forced, but I really like the overall concept.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that the beginning and ending tie in together is really nice. I liked that :)