Why are you laying to the floor?
Don't look at me that way.
You know why I'm here...
Your Mommy and Daddy aren't home.
It's time for us to have some fun-
You grown up quite good...
My son will like you too.
She kept her eyes open in fear,
And let the unspeakable begin
He is too strong she knows-
She cannot run away.
And out of nowhere the instant blow!
Laid out on the floor bleeding...
The monster has been defeated-
By his own son.
The Hero,
He swore he would never be like the monster.
You see he is different,
And for that she is thankful.
This poem to me is much like a short story, infact maybe it's not a poem at all, but I wrote it with the intentions of being a poem. This is much different then the pieces I usually write. I mostly write soft and calm pieces. This piece is a little more graphic and harsh, as well as sad. It has a beginning middle and end, so I tried to make the order of the plot clear. However, I'm wondering if the content is as clear? What do you think this poem is about? Even if your idea of what it is about is different then what I actually wrote about, I'm interested to see what your perspective and understanding is! This could be interesting, let me know!
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I just realized I made a typo!
ReplyDeleteIn the first line, first stanza where it says "to" it should say "on"
sorry!
you've developed this story really well! while it is short, i can certainly say that it is effective; it leaves much to the reader's imagination, but you've included enough description/character reaction (nicely done, by the way) to give readers an idea.
ReplyDeleteI also think that your choice of structure was perfect for this piece! very cryptic and very appropriate!
maybe change the line in the first stanza to "You've grown up quite nicely" .. the word 'nice' adds more of a creepy edge, i think! (of course, if that's what you're going for!)
and 'by his own son' could be 'by his own son / his own blood'. or something else to make that moment of realization and heroism more shocking!
that's all! again, i really loved your choice to deliver this story as a poem!! Good decision, on your part!
i like your character developement in this piece, even thought it is short, its concise and very well layed out, the characters are interesting and plot is well formed. good job
ReplyDelete