These vibrations you’re sending are shaking my frame
and I cant hold my balance – this isn’t a game.
Whenever I move objects come crashing down;
Oh god I feel fragile, please don’t make a sound
For even your breath could shatter my being
And shatter these stupid illusions I’m seeing.
I almost felt normal; I could get up and go!
But I was mistaken and crashed down below
When I’m so unstable that logic is skewed,
I make myself think that these lies are all true.
Every mistake is a criminal case.
Please don't watch my disgrace; I’m all over the place!
Watch out while you're here or you'll tumble down too,
For all that you've done some misfortune is due.
So I suggest that you run - well, walk - not too quick,
For when I am down I most certainly kick.
These vibrations you’re sending are shaking my frame
and I cant hold my balance I’m going insane
And whenever I move objects come crashing down
My world is so fragile, please don’t make a sound
For even your breath could shatter my being
I’m already broken and yes, you’re agreeing
You've come to believe that I want you no more;
The second you leave I crash to the floor.
**********
Another poem, I know, I know...
This one is about a year old, I would guesstimate.
I tried using some of this bolding and italics business to spruce it up since the poem is supposed to be very frenetic and jarring.
Like cut and paste.
Do you believe that this took away from the poem or added to it?
And any other comments on ittt? :O
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WOOOHOOO for playing with font this week! i blame rebecca. she started it.
ReplyDeleteanyway, jordan, i absolutely love the way you softly linked the first stanza to the last.. it was soooo effective. really. and it was awesome that you changed the last stanza to make it different than the first too. it made your story more clear/the characters more clear.
that was the only things i wasn't too sure about at the beginning of this piece, were the plot/characters. i wasn't too sure what was up. the ending cleared up a bit of it... but i didn't really know what was happening. but of course, poetry is poetry. it isn't supposed to be clear right away!:P
i really liked your serious but then casual tone!!
and i liked the font stuff. but again, i am soooo biased :)
Great use of fonts here, it really adds to the emphasis in this piece. Great poem, your bolded and italicized text really do give that effect off. I felt some lines were a bit wordy, so maybe try and read it out loud one time, and cut any words that seem a bit choppy.
ReplyDeleteI like this poem. I think you really highlighted the frantic mind of the character.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do like the concept of bolding certain words...but there were words that I don't feel are necessary to emphasize, like 'god.' It doesn't seem to fit with the other highlighted phrases. And I do agree with Van, certain lines are a tad wordy.