First stanza- Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
City lights flashing past the train window. Brief glimpse of life and then there gone. Flashes of "normalcy". No one in New York is normal. My parents sure aren't. May be that's why i ran, I could hate my parents, or seeking attention, or anything. The fact is, I don't know why i ran, I just know I needed to get out, away from that world. To chase something I don't know what it is yet, but i will be worth it, i trust.
There is only one other person on the train other than myself, a little old woman, probable 80 or 90, sitting a couple of rows in front of me. She looked like the type of woman who would adore her grandchildren and shower them with love and affection. My grandmother is a 89 year old racist. Born in 1905, she grew up thought the height of American racism and prejudice. She could never understand why i would every befriend a black girl. She cut me out of her will accordingly. Forget her.
If i need money i could always sell blood.
It's midnight, right now my parents are getting home from what ever party they went to tonight. They will walk in the door, find me gone, all my belongings gone.
good bye good luck, i might never see you again
im glad you accepted my challenge.
ReplyDeletethis was a good start for this piece, but i defininitely think you could have taken it farther. you could go into more details about her past, or even where she is going and why she felt she had to leave. i think you should develop this story more.
and if the grandmother was born in 1905, she would be 104. ;)
*unless this story takes place at some point in the past! (then she could be younger)
ReplyDeletei definitely feel this should be developed more. it's a great start!
oo the selling blood part is very striking! unpredictable! i like it. i also like the beginning where you talk about glimpses of normalcy. that is something you could build off of when describing your character. it gives the readers a sense of understanding. clever.
watch your sentence structure and grammar though! read it out load to yourself, some parts just dont make sense and/or are out of place.
really awesome concept for a story based off of an awesome song :)
ReplyDeleteYou took the song stanza in a different direction than I would have originally thought of taking it, which is pretty cool.
I agree though that you should probably read it out loud just to fix the little bugs and things throughout.
Really good though! You should right more!
And I too am totally taking Rebecca up on this challenge next week :)
oh god. by load i mean loud.
ReplyDelete